So a few months ago, I started reading about the 30 Days of Truth and thought, “Oh! I want to write about that!” But now that the opportunity has come up, I’m not sure I want to delve into my person self so deeply. BUT. I’m going to try.
Day 1 – Something You Hate About Yourself
Sigh. I really to say that I hate something about myself because that makes me feel…well, it makes me feel down and reminds me why I sometimes suck. I’m not even going to pretend to be one of those people who say “there’s nothing to hate about myself because I’m perfect flaws and all” because let’s be honest – that’s all bull. I REALLY don’t like how I analyze conversations and situations with people. For instance, if I’m aggressively confronted about something, I clam up and do not say a word. HOURS later, I’ll come up with the perfect comeback and I’ll think and dwell on it over and over until it somewhat eats me up inside. This also happens when I finally think of the perfect smart ass answer or witty comment. I don’t know why I can’t let some things like this go. These are things that don’t even matter in the world; things that, more than likely, the other person has completely forgotten about. It’s a conversation/confrontation that’s over and done with and yet, here I am, thinking about it over and over. It’s almost as if my brain has a little special place it likes to store stupid crap like this and then replay it should anything every happen with that person again.
Example – I felt the need to confront someone close to my family about some irritating (and hateful – in my opinion) behaviors she had been taking out on me. I’m not a big fan of confrontation (I mean, who is, REALLY?), even though Joel may disagree. I do believe that if there’s a problem, then let’s just talk about it and get it out in the open so that we don’t waste the next few months being angry, letting it stew, and (in my case) allowing it to just sit and rot in my brain. So we finally figure out the time and place to meet and even though the conversation went as well as it could and the situation is now still shaky, I still replay the conversation over and over in my head AND IT HAPPENED MONTHS AGO. I can’t let things go, apparently.
Oh and that person’s birthday is coming up soon and is it bad that I want to be bitter and NOT wish her happy birthday, just for the mere fact that she didn’t wish it to me on mine. Bitter. I’m also a little bitter. Possibly vindictive. Add those things to the list of “Things I Hate About Myself.”