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You Know What They Say

No, what do “they” say?  And who in the world is “they” anyway?!?

Nothing like a small tangent to get started on a Monday morning.

This past weekend was Joel’s birthday.  Being the birthday boy, I gave full permission to choose any film of his liking for Friday night where we would be gorging ourselves on popcorn and butta (YES my husband and I are freaks because we emailed each other about POPCORN and BUTTA for days before because we are on diets and the thought of hot, buttery, salty popcorn was enough to get us through the hardships of a tough week).  He chose Battle: Los Angeles.  I bit my tongue from any negative comments and said “Ok!”

At one of our nice movie theaters in town, you can purchase tickets early, which is what we wanted to do since it was Friday night AND opening night for this film.  Since the good seats were becoming limited, we bought the tickets before EVER reading a review.  But seriously, did I have to read a review to know this film was going to be terrible?? 

Oh and let me just add that anything with Michelle Rodriguez RUINS EVERYTHING FOREVER AND ALWAYS.  Amen.

So when she showed up, it was all over for me.  As if she will be the one to save the day.  Hello – didn’t we all see what a disaster you were in Lost and Avatar??  So I then began to snicker and look to Joel as if to say “Seriously?!  Did that just come out of their  mouths?” 

For instance – “You know what they say about hitting deer….!  Speed up!!”

Um…ok.  I grew up in the South.  I have spent my life avoiding deer with my car.  A deer will total your car or at least put a good size dent in it.  Plus, I have a mother who is a deer advocate.  Not that that’s an official position BUT if it was, she would have it.  She gets upset at her neighbors who put up fences because it trapped the deer inside and the deer panic and cannot run freely around the  neighborhood.  My mother’s heart bleeds for deer in her slowly-turning-way-too-suburban-area outside of Memphis City limits.  My mom is precious.

Because my parents still live in the house I grew up in, I know all the curves of the street down the last detail.  I know how fast to take the curves and truly at what speed you could do such racing – uh, I mean driving.  I also know that because there are no street lights out there, animals like to pop out in front of your car.

One night, while we were still in high school, my best friend, Jake, and I were on our way back to my house.  He loved to drive and cart me around and I was happy to oblige.  It was already dark and as we rounded a bend, the headlights caught a large pair of eyes to the right of the car.  Having a normal reaction, Jake immediately slams on the brakes.  While screeching for the next 25 feet, the baby deer suddenly decides to run into the road.  However, we were there first.  The babe slams into the finder of the car, rolls on top of the hood, and proceeds to tumble onto the pavement on the left side of the road.  As quickly as it could muster the coordination to do so, the deer took off into the woods. 

Jake and I sat there.  Stunned.  In silence. 

I’m sure a few choice words then proceeded.

When Jake’s mom noticed the car a few days later, she furiously demanded to know what he did to earn such a dent on the side of the car.  Needless to say, she didn’t believe him that a deer ran INTO his car.  But it’s true.  I stand as a witness.

**Why is it that I can remember this incident from 10 years ago but can’t remember what happened last week??**

Suffice it to say, I would NOT waste my money on Battle Los Angeles.  I wouldn’t even Netflix it.  As a general note, I hope that actors will soon stop trying to imitate Christian Bale’s Batman Voice.  The only person who should be using that voice is CHRISTIAN BALE.  When he is BATMAN.

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Theatre Etiquette 101

 

It says "Please." That's nicer than I would say it.

 

I went to see a high school production this weekend and was absolutely appalled at the audience’s behavior.  While I don’t expect everyone to behave in a respectful way, this crowd was genuinely out of control.  They were so awful, it actually distracted me from any action happening on the stage.  And I was watching Shakespeare – so you KNOW there was a lot of action happening on the stage.  With that being said, I feel that as an actor, Theatre degree holder, and appreciator of the arts, it is my job to educate audiences out there.

1. This is not a movie theatre.  Believe it or not – what you see on stage is HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.  That means that all of those kids on stage can hear you when you start talking.  They can see you as you turn to your neighbor and begin to divert your attention from them.  Theatre kids are attention whores – they want it all.  Hello – they are on a stage with bright lights shining down on them and are willing to do anything to get you to notice them.  All you have to do is sit there and just watch them.  Easy.

2. Do you open bottled carbonated beverages or candy in church when it’s silent and everyone is paying attention to the speaker?  No?  Huh.  Well maybe you should apply that same rule to opening your drinks and food in a theatre.  Not only that, but when you s-l-o-w-l-y open your drink, it doesn’t make it any quieter.  I promise.  Then your gulping and slurping seriously make me choke back bile – but that’s just me.  I have issues with hearing people eating and drinking.  Gross.  Also, any other references to this question should be referred to the #1 – THIS IS NOT A MOVIE THEATRE.  Not only that, but at schools, due to a lot of the budget issues, custodians are not working nights or weekends.  This means that you are basically trashing the space of teens with the trash of your snacks.  Not cool.  Food and drinks aren’t allowed in the theatre for a reason.

3. Speaking of reasons, there is a reason small children are not allowed in movie theatres.  Most children have attention spans that are in direct relation to how old they are.  So, it might not be the best use of a night to take your infant and toddler to a play.  They do not care about what is happening on stage.  Why oh why would you ever want to bring small children to a play??  Did you forget that you are sitting in small seats without a plethora of toys and cartoons.

4. Along with the kids – there’s no need to EVER change a baby’s diaper in public.  I kid you not, this toddler started to yell out “Doo doo!” as the parents struggled to change the diaper while sitting in their seats.  Guess what happened?  The child ended up with no pants on running across the aisle.  This was reality.

5. You know how annoying it is when someone sits a few rows in front of you at the movies, and they constantly play on their phone?  Yeah, that bright light IS annoying.  Turn off your phone.  If you want to play on your phone, stay at home OR go to Starbucks and knock yourself out.  P.S. – remember those real kids on the stage?  They can see you.  They judge you.  And they begin to resent you – no matter who you are.

6. Why the heck can’t you stay in the seat you paid for?  Quit moving and leaving and coming and going.  Stay put.  The director KNOWS that you aren’t going to be able to go 2 hours without a bathroom break.  That’s why the kind director basically put in a long bathroom break for you.  It’s about 15 minutes – long enough for you to go on and do your thing AND get some sort of snack, which you should finish before entering through the auditorium doors.

My heart breaks for the students who bust their butts for YOU, the audience who couldn’t care less.  I also know that in writing this, the same people who I am talking to will never read this and even if they did – they wouldn’t have the realization that this is in any way talking about their faults and faux pas.

Entertainment Galore

**Note – Please be patient with me as I figure out what the heck I’m doing with the fonts and switching everything around.  Does anyone know how to make the font LARGER??  It’s so tiny on my screen.  I am starting to like this new banner on the top.  I took that photo around Easter when some plant outside my house was looking lovely.  I have no idea what the plant or any of the plants at my house are called (for the most part).  All I know is that we don’t have ferns.**

What is with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis doing Black Swan and then going into some fluff romantic comedy about sleeping with your best friend?  Odd timing on their parts, in my opinion.  I usually don’t end up going to see these types of movies in the theaters because if I’m going to go to the theater, I’m going to see something that I (hopefully) won’t regret paying the money for.  I mean, now that we have Netflix, I almost don’t see a need to go to the theaters as often.  Plus, whenever we go, I always get a (not small) popcorn and chow down (usually by myself).  Movie theater popcorn is my weakness.  It is divine in every way.  The heat, the butter, the salt, the everything.  Oh dear heavens, is it becoming obvious that I ate a Lean Cuisine for dinner?  I’m trying to watch what I eat and control my portions.  This time last year I was training for a half-marathon.  I promptly gave that up about mid-March as I completely burned myself out by running on the treadmill too much.  One day I will run a half marathon.  One day.

I don’t know why but I’m a sucker for reality television.  Yes, I know that there’s really nothing “real” about the entire thing, but still…it fascinates me.  I think I’m even more pulled in because I end up thinking about what sorts of people watch these types of shows.  Then, as my butt begins to create indentations in the couch, I realize that I AM the type of person who watches this kind of crap.  My mother is ashamed.  I try to hush her by reminding her that I have a Masters Degree, which means it’s totally ok that I’m watching trash tv.  Of course, I blame J for doing this to me.  As he studied for a test to help him further his career, he began to need mindless television so that he could completely relax.  Always up for a good time, I joined him, even though I was hesitant at first.  Slowly, I allowed him to introduce me to The Hills and then once that finished we ventured over to Jersey Shore. Don’t hate me.  Yes, we are some of the whatever-million people who watch this crap.  These people live a life I cannot even imagine.  What is it like to be a completely unproductive member of society?  Snooki’s comment of tonight’s DVR’d episode – “I’m addicted to bronzer, beer, and boys.”  Those are her big issues in life!  And yet, here I am, stressing on the eve of a snow-late-start-day, wondering how in the world I’m going to teach everything I need to before May 11 (which is when my sweet students take the AP Exam).  Other than Snooks and I taking opposite routes in life, I still cannot help but be floored that they will make more money than I will ever see.  Ever.